I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
