So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
