You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
