from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
