And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
