dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
