I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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