can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
