just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
