By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
