We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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