i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
