I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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