____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
