I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
