He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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