My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
