Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
