Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
