Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Found the puke drawer
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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