there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
