chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
