It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
