He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I need moral support for this bender
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
