I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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