Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I touched a dick in church today
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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