i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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