This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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