I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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