Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I lost the right to judge tonight
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
