I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
