I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
