ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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