:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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