life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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