Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
