wrigley field is MILF paradise
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
