do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
