community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
