He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
