you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
