I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
