bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
