i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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