LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
