So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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