i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
