WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
