before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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