i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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