I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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