broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
