Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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